From one mom to another. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. Not talking on cell phones, thats where. And this is his responsibility too. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. lemongrass I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. I have to just try harder.. He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. I know I did. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). He thinks it's ridiculous. 1. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. Make it a game. Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! lets_be_honest Settlers of Catan! I hope the LW sees your comment. Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. . Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? : r/AmItheAsshole Good stuff all around! But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. You can see it in the fighting. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? That was my guess too. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. Im dying for new people to follow! Heck Yes! Her free spirit and spontaneity. painted_lady Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. honeybeenicki Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. I take little credit for how lucky I am. Liquid Luck This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. Hes putting her down. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. About Us . The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! This sounds a lot like my childhood! The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. I mean, maybe? July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. I was in bed, asleep. Awesome show full of information. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. Addie Pray How dare she share her own interests. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. Act like one. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. I agree weddings can be stupid . July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. lets_be_honest My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. Did my mother? I made him put on 2 more episodes before we stopped because we HAD to go to sleep. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Mommy and daddy present a united front. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly : r/Advice A few years from now this guys daughter interests may have changed, but she wont be bothering to talk to him about it or anything at all, most likely. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. Roll your eyes!?! That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. 2. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). And of course. Contact Us. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. Its her birthday today So Im taking her out for a steak dinner and then were going to watch fireworks (which she has decided the city has put on for her). She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. lets_be_honest So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. But I agree with everything else you said. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. She gets too invested in her daughters life. It makes them feel safe. Manage Settings I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. Interested in science? Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? bittergaymark July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! But you know what. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. Show interest in his interests. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. This mother needs to chill out a bit. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. A little . And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. 1. Why are we judging other peoples interests? I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . ). A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. YES! doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. When children become teenagers, they sometimes start to distance themselves from their parents. Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Find a common ground youve got to. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. bittergaymark It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) We have a 1-year-old daughter together. These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! When I was a kid in middle school, I clammed up and didnt develop my relationship with my parents because they were critical of my interests. He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. However you come about discovering a new way to be together, it is better to take a chance of doing something different than to let layers of disappointment bury the love you once held sacred. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. Its a really nice time to shoot the shit and get your head clear fishing can be very enjoyable, plus you have a free meal at the end of it! I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. And hed be more likely to help her find an actual interest, not just an ability to tolerate. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! No. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. | Taking the Keys Away: What to Do If a Senior Won't Stop Driving - AgingCare And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! but this might be the best Ive ever read here. July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. You probably had no idea you were getting into this no-win relationship when it began. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? Why Is My Husband Driving My Daughter Away (15 Reasons) Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. So how did she find out about it? If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. This makes me so deeply jealous. July 2, 2013, 12:30 pm. Mother of a Fangirl. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. My Husband Hates My Daughter! 4 Ways To Fix A Broken Relationship To care for our two young kids. This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. Ive been there. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. I never did the gross stuff either. Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. And not just to me and your husband. WOW! Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. But you know what? I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. July 2, 2013, 11:53 am. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. I hated, and still do, all of those things. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. He is dedicated and hard-working. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. LW, you and your husband are a team. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. July 2, 2013, 1:18 pm, Um, both piano recitals and spelling bees are CONSTRUCTIVE activities Fangirling? Forget it. Plus, I like Rick Castle. My best friend is in that episode! Spyglassez To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. Um, not so much. So, here is the thing. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. Parent first, friend second. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. Game of Thrones? temperance If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? lets_be_honest My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible.